Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!!!

Today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day

Yarr!    Hear be some suggestions fer all yeh scallywags out there who wish ta celebrate this auspicious occasion.  As not all yeh pirate-wannabes are parrrticularly experienced in th Ways of the Pirate.  Arrr....I need practice...

Anyway! Here they be!

Feirst, and in General:    Add Yarr like you'd normally use Umm or Hmm.   Say Aye instea of Yes, Avast instead of Hey, and say matey a lot.  Refer to "she" without anyone knowing what you are referring to.  Be instead of Are.  Land Lubbers, Scallywags, Buccaneers, Lily-Livered, Yellow Bellied, Scurvy Dogs, all be good piratey terms to refer ta folks.  Try ta use shorter words except where ya can use exceptionally long ones.  And when ya do use one o' them big words, yeh ought ta look proud a yerself.

Also:  Try driving yer friends around in yer car.  Occasionally command them to do things like, "Fasten the 4th line!  Raise the Port Sails!  Tie off that Ancher line ya misbegot sons o' dogs!"  And then, when the roads be clear, let yer car roll to a smooth stop and say,  "The winds be a cursin us lads...let us pray that she'll kiss are sails again a'fore the hold runs dry...less we be forced to turn on one another....like starvin rats..."  Then in ten minutes, start her up again and make'em give a cheer!  

Now the destination also be important.  So wherever ye be aheaded, make sure ye have a heading.  Give yer first mate a compass and demand to know what direction the winds are blowin ye at every traffic light.  When referrin ta yer first mate, always use his last name and refer to him as Mr....  Even if he be a girl.  Ladies are bad luck aboard a sea vessel, any pirate worth his salt knows that.

After a long day of sailin the great paved oceans, ye'll need some booty.  Gold is best, but ifn' ya go to a Dennies, tehy'll probably tolerate yer behavior more than most places...see if yeh can get away with gamblin'.  If they don't let ya play cards, bring out the dice.  If'n they don't let ya do that, well...make wagers on how long the food takes to arrive.  Curdle me blood I almost fergot!   At the very beginnin of the day, ye must go to yon bank an replace all your land lubber paper bills with gold dollar coins.  

Chances are they'll kick ye out, but at least ye can order some food a'for ye get too belligerent.  Or if yer lucky enough ta finish a meal, make sure there be leftovers.  This be yer Booty.  This next part be very important.  Ye have to find an isolated island and bury yer booty where no one'll ever think ta look.  Don't forget to make yer mates bring shovels afore they get inta yer car.  Now make a map leading ta where yer booty be hidden.  Defend it with vigor.

All this a'course doesn't touch on the clothes, which are very important.  Vests, sashes, baggy pantaloons and baggy sleaves, bandanas, tricorner hats and tall boots with big cuffs.  Peg legs, hook hands and eyepatches are all optional.  Stuffed parrots are a hat-tip ta the days of old, but if ya really want ta show the lads yer passion, get yerself a real parrot what talks.  Or a monkey with pants.  Only the captain should wear a long coat and carry the extendable eyepiece.  And he best use it at every intersection.  If'n ye see another car o pirates, or a rich fat merchant vessel full a' loot...well their aint much ya can do about it without angerin the local authorities, but there aint no laws agaisnt baleful glares and gnashing of teeth!

Lastly, there be the Pirate Code.  The solemn honorific set down by the great pirates of the olden days that every man who calls himself a pirate must adhere to.  Here be the Articals:

Article the First:  That all men are to obey the captains authority, and that the captain is to have two full shares of the prize.  His Second Mate and Quartermaster to have one full share and a half.  The boatswain, gunner, and master each to have one share and a quarter.

Article the Second:  Every man has a vote in affairs of moment; has equal title to the fresh provisions, or strong liquors, at any time seized, and may use them at pleasure, unless a scarcity makes it necessary, for the good of all, to vote a retrenchment.

Article the Third:  Every man to keep their piece, pistols, and cutlass clean and fit for service.

Article the Fourth:  No striking one another on board, but every man's quarrels to be ended on shore, at sword and pistol.

Article the Fifth:  No man to talk of breaking up their way of living, till each have shared one thousand pounds. If in order to this, any man should lose a limb, or become a cripple in their service, he is to have eight hundred pieces, out of the public stock, and for lesser hurts, proportionately.

Article the Sixth:  He that is found Guilty of Cowardice, Desertion, Thievery, Drunkeness in an Engagement, Treachery, Gaming, or Defrauding one another to the value of a Ryal of Plate, shall suffer death or marooning.

Article the Seventh:  He that sees a Sail first, shall have the best Pistol or Small Arm aboard of her.

Article the Eighth:  No boy or woman to be allowed amongst the crew. If any man is found seducing any of the latter sex, to carry her to sea, disguised, he is to suffer death or marooning.  If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman, that Man that offers to meddle with her, without her Consent, shall suffer death or marooning.